ON MARRIAGE As I see it: Nurture relationship with the one you love

By BRAD NOWLIN
Special to The Star
National Marriage Week was Feb. 7-14 this year. In my practice as a licensed clinical marriage and family therapist, I’ve found that relationships are complex and yet simple. They can be incredibly frustrating and immensely rewarding.

Yet I wish that people would try to do better without needing clinical help. Here are some ideas gleaned from the profession and from working with hundreds of couples:

You can set a date night and put the same amount of effort and creativity into it you did during courtship. Didn’t that work for you at one time? Where was that first date?

I’m sometimes amazed at the blank looks I get when I ask, “When was your last date?” In fairness, we are busy with jobs, kids and everything else, but dating can be fun and it doesn’t have to be expensive.

Make time each day to talk to each other and listen intently to your partner. You do that for your friends and that’s what your partner is. The happiest couples seem to take such interest in each other that it doesn’t seem like work (even though it may be at times).

Do one random act of kindness for your partner each week. Yes, that could include laundry or lawn, watching a sporting event or a chick flick. Some of the funniest stories come from stepping outside of our comfort zone, like when a man might watch HGTV or Oprah or a woman might go to Cabela’s or Bass Pro Shops.

I like the story of the couple who came in for counseling after 40 years of marriage. When I asked what the problem was, the wife said, “He never tells me he loves me.” I turned to the husband and he said, “I told her I loved her when we were married 40 years ago and nothing’s changed.” Yes, tell her you love her more often than that.

Express appreciation for your partner’s friends and family. You can find something to admire about your mother-in-law. I love my mother-in-law, and I know that I’m not alone.

Celebrate Valentine’s week and make your partner’s birthday and your anniversary a weeklong occasion. This can also take some of the pressure off of the day so that you don’t absolutely have to dine out with everyone else on Valentine’s Day.

Make time for love as you would any important investment in your relationship. It’s time management, it’s chemistry, it’s really important to the relationship.

These ideas may seem corny and prosaic and are not meant to be a complete list. Yet like other simple ideas, I see them work.

It seems to me that your motivation to improve your relationship is the single most important factor in making it happen. Is the payoff there?

I am honored to tell my wife a quote I picked up from a client that rings true: “I love my life with you!”

Brad Nowlin is a licensed clinical marriage and family therapist with offices in Overland Park and Kansas City. He lives in Overland Park. You can view his Marriage Friendly Therapist profile and website at: http://www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com/bradnowlin.php