Marriages and relationships have a similar survival function as the the mother-child bond, since ideally, these attachments can provide the same love, comfort, support and protection throughout the lifespan. However, due to our relationship histories, and the negative interaction cycles we get into with our partners, many of us have difficulties with trust and expressing emotion to those who mean the most to us especially when our relationships are challenged.
When couples argue about such important issues as time, care, sex, money, etc., the origins of these arguments are usually some form of protest from one partner to the other about not feeling connected, understood, safe or secure. When those we are attached to are not available or not responding to our need to feel close or supported, we feel distressed. We may become angry, anxious or fearful, numb or distant.
I also specialize in Premarital Counseling.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) is a treatment whose goal is the reconnection between partners. It is based in the understanding that humans and higher primates have an innate need to feel attached to and comforted by significant others in order to enhance safety and survival.
In the process of EFT, couples begin to recognize and eventually express their needs for understanding, support, closeness and comfort that are often hidden or disguised by harsh or angry words used in self-defeating cycles of conflict with each other. Partners begin to listen with their heart one of the cornerstones of EFT – which means listening not for the literal meaning of a partner’s words, but for the feelings that lie beneath them. In return, the other partner is better able to respond from the heart, in kind. Thus, a “safe haven” is created between partners. Creating a “safe haven” is the primary task of EFT.
Once this safe haven and feelings of connection are reestablished, you will be better able to manage conflict and difficult feelings that inevitably arise from time to time in a close relationship. Furthermore, without so much defensiveness, each of you will be able to communicate more effectively and will be better able to hear the other’s perspective. In short, you’ll be more of a team which is essential to a successful relationship.
DISCERNMENT COUNSELING is not couples therapy. Rather it is a brief exploratory process of approximately five 90 minute sessions although a slight adjustment in time due to scheduling is permitted. The focus of Discernment Counseling is on the decision making about three paths: to keep the marriage as it has been, separation/divorce, or a six-month reconciliation period with an all-out effort in couples therapy (and other resources) with divorce off the table – and then to make a decision about the long-term future.
Feel free to visit my website to learn more about me. You are welcome to email me directly using this form, or call my office. I look forward to hearing from you and I’m here to help.
There are times when it is inconvenient or impossible to come into the office for a session. Travel, traffic, a move away, illness and other important events can make regular face to face appointments too difficult. At those time you are welcome to use online/Skype/Phone to maintain contact to continue the work. Online/Skype/Phone sessions are available for couples and individuals.