Marriage can be satisfying and challenging, frustrating and fun. And when couples hit rough patches in their marriage they often slip into unhealthy patterns that can perpetuate the frustration or hurt they’re feeling, leaving them feeling sad and alone and alienated from one another. What’s happened? They have lost the fundamental attachment, the emotional connection, that helps them to feel valued and loved and secure in the marriage. Over time these patterns can become habitual and destructive, creating distance and mistrust.
My approach to marriage therapy is informed by Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy and in my work I help couples to see the painful and unhealthy pattern--the dance--they’re engaged in and also to understand the oftentimes unconscious needs or fears that are driving their dance. Knowledge is power and knowledge here can provide the impetus and means to change. Our work is to re-establish a more secure and solid attachment in the marriage.
Once this emotional bond is re-established and safety and trust return, other areas of conflict like finances, kids, careers, sex, in-laws can be discussed without the white hot radioactivity previously felt. Within the security of the attachment, we can see ourselves, our spouse, and the world with new eyes and begin to risk new things. We see the inevitable differences and conflicts that occur in marriage as seedbeds for deepened understanding and intimacy to grow because the attachment to one another is solid.
My style is conversational, casual, with a teaspoon of humor tossed in. At the start especially and throughout the course of therapy, I am often asking questions. It’s important to me that I have a clear and accurate understanding of how you see the dynamics and problems and strengths in your marriage and that you feel heard and understood. These are essential to establishing safety, trust, and confidence in our work together.
Some couples I meet with wish to integrate their religious beliefs or spiritual values in their marriage counseling. Given my background and training I am comfortable and adept in helping them do this. I have successfully worked with and respect different religious/spiritual orientations. It is deeply satisfying to see couples who were once angry, lonely, and alienated from one another find a deeper connection than they'd previously known with each other.
