The last few years have brought unprecedented challenges to school-age kids and their parents. Added to the stress of pandemic-induced closures and the inadequacy of remote learning, terrifying school shootings have taken place in recent months. Then there are the age-old problems of bullying and concerns about academic failure in this competitive world.
Many kids and parents are feeling anxious as the new school year is upon us. The parents want to know how to ensure that their kids are emotionally ready so that they can be the best that they can be. I know it’s not easy – but here are some suggestions.
Talk about it
Talking to kids about their fears can be challenging. The best advice I can give is to remember that you were their age once too. Share with them your stories, using anecdotes rather than generalities. Let them know that you struggled, too, in similar situations. They look up at you in a perfectionist kind of way (even teens, believe it or not!) and they’ll be more likely to share their worries with you if they realize it’s okay to be vulnerable.
Keep your questions open-ended. Instead of, “Are you worried about heading back to school?” Try: “How are you feeling about going back to school?” Reassure them that you’re in their corner.
Interestingly, I’ve found that some kids have really enjoyed some aspects of the shut-down period – one young boy told me that he loved having “Daddy home for dinner every night.” Family mealtimes – with phones not allowed at the table – are great opportunities to get the kids to open up. Ask questions such as “What’s today been like for you?” or “What was the best part of your day?” instead of “How was your day?”
Empathize. Say, “That does sound awful” before rushing to suggest ways to “fix” a problem. Like everyone, kids often just need to be heard and their fears validated.
Consider a coach
Unfortunately, the word “therapist” still has some negative connotations in some people's mind, as if consulting a therapist suggests weakness. In reality, a therapist may be seen as a coach who helps their clients lead a more stable, richer emotional life, just as soccer or water polo coaches bring out the best in their players. Positioning therapy this way may be more palatable to your kids.
I have worked with many families, either individually with children and teens or as a group. Kids are usually more willing to share their deepest worries with a non-family member who they know will keep their concerns confidential and be objective in their advice.
My focus is on how to make the most of their strengths. I keep a store of empty journals to give to my young clients, the ones I assess will benefit from writing out their thoughts. After a session, I’ll suggest that they write down the strategies they’re hoping to implement the following week or month. For example, if they’re shy, I’ll recommend that next time they’re ordering something for themselves (IRL, or in real life) that they say hello and perhaps ask a question of that person to break through that barrier. The next session, we review, without judgment, how things went for them.
We might talk about statistics and practical matters – how few schools, among the thousands in the country, have actually experienced school shootings. It’s a question of feeling physically and emotionally prepared for what life has to bring. Some parents of kids who have experienced bullying send their kids to classes to learn self-defense techniques, such as karate, which can help with their confidence and self-esteem.
Provide stability at home
I once heard the remark that divorce or separation is, for kids, “the end of a small civilization as they know it.” While divorce is sometimes the best option, I believe many more marriages can be saved than people imagine. Marriage has its seasons. It’s not always passion and wine-and-roses. There are often good reasons to stay with each other, and boredom shouldn’t be a reason to separate, as it too often seems to be in more affluent areas.
I’d urge spouses to consider their reasons for wanting to separate and to seek therapy before committing to a move that can have major repercussions on their children’s lives. We’ve all been through a lot during the pandemic. It’s an anxious time for the nation. It’s always a good idea to focus on the positive.
At the end of each day, think back to the things you’ve said to your kids and your spouse. How many of them were negative, how many encouraging and supportive? Be available, be loving, be a listener.
I know, of course, that there are no simple solutions. There is no single answer to the unique personal struggles that parents and children face in our turbulent world. I hope to help, however. My practice is staffed with experienced, empathetic therapists, and we’re one of, if not the only practice, that is open every day of the week, from 7 in the morning to 9 at night. Call and we’ll find the right therapist and time for you and your family – we also offer a free 30-minute new client consultation.
I hope that my thoughts have been of some help. Wishing you a happy and fulfilling new school year!
Kathleen “Kay” Wenger MA, LMFT, LPCC is the owner of Laguna Beach Counseling, staffed by four additional associate therapists in Laguna and a new office location in Irvine. She’s the former manager of Pepperdine’s MA Clinical Training and Professional Development for those learning to become Marriage and Family Therapists and the co-founder of the National Registry of www.MarriageFriendlyTherapists.com.
